TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different place exactly where American Adult men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you everyone a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has Trump Tower Damascus gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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